[twinkling chimes]
[dramatic instrumental music playing]
[automated voice on GPS] Turn right in point two miles.
[cell phone vibrating]
[AJ] People always think they're hiding shit.
They think I don't see.
They're wrong.
I see everything.
Everything.
I only pretend I don't so they can pretend I don't.
I'm cool that way.
[cell phone continues vibrating]
[AJ] But nobody's fooling nobody except themselves.
Turn! Turn! You're passing the club. Hey!
- [horn blares] - [tires screech]
[automated voice] ...your destination.
[horn honking]
The Waze lady was like, "Turn in 50 feet.
Turn. Turn now. You have arrived at your destination.
Turn. Turn now.
You have arrived at your destination."
["Walk It Off" playing]
[AJ] Turn. Turn now. You have arrived at your destination.
- Turn. Turn..." - [Robert] Bad news is I missed the turn.
The good news is you've got a bright future as the next Waze lady.
[Robert sighs]
Louisville, hellller.
You were, like, completely gone, dude.
Where were you?
Hopefully someplace where I still had some money
and a life worth living.
Aww! Poor you!
- [Robert] Yes, poor me. - No!
Something died in there.
Ah. It's the booty pads.
- Ugh. [imitates retching] - [Robert laughs]
See? They give Ruby the junk in her trunk, but ooh-wee!
[sniffs] They sure do smell like funk.
Ugh! Oh, I'm dying.
Well, don't die.
We'll find a laundromat and give 'em a little twirl and a swirl, okay?
- [AJ continues retching] - [Robert] Let me wash my face,
- and we'll go in. - [AJ] Too late.
Butt-crack smell... too strong. Bleh!
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
["Walk It Off" playing]
There's good news and bad news about this club.
The good news is the backstage is really roomy,
so I don't have to get ready in the RV.
- The bad news... - Run by vampires?
[laughs]
I wish. Then at least we'd be safe during the day.
These girls aren't very welcoming to headliners from out of town.
So be nice,
'cause if you start any trouble, these girls...
Will cut a bitch?
Will and have.
Hey, where are you?
Oh man, your face is down in the dirt.
There must be a Maya Angelou poem about this.
- Aren't you gonna move your picture up? - No. I'm not gonna stoop to their level.
You're closer. You get it.
[AJ] Who's Maya Angelou?
[Robert] Another name for your Google list. Here.
I don't know where they got this picture of me.
In all the ones I sent, I don't have pores.
[performer 1] Girl, and I had read the shit out of her.
- [chuckles] Hi. - Oh.
- Ruby. - Hey, girl.
Well, welcome back.
How is Louisville treating y'all?
- Wonderful. - Fabulous.
- Living the life. - [Robert chuckles] Glad to hear it.
All right, which one of you bitches moved his picture down to the bottom?
Oh, the wind must have blew it down there.
Yeah, global warming and shit.
Sure. El Niño, you better don't.
- [chuckles] - Oh, Ruby, who's this?
- Your new manager? - [AJ] No.
I'm your worst nightmare.
[chuckles] This is AJ, a friend's daughter,
and... she's not your worst nightmare,
she's my worst nightmare.
I thought natural lighting was your worst nightmare?
[chuckles] I see this is still Brian's area.
I'll sit here, then. I always sit next to Brian.
Brian? Brian who?
Girl, he's been gone for months and months.
- But then, who's doing Cher? - [scoffs] We take turns.
- Oh! - No!
Oh!
Oh, that was great. Now do Cher.
Well, where is Brian? Is he all right.
Oh, no one's sure.
Just keeps calling in under the weather.
Maybe Epstein-Barr.
Maybe depression.
I guess turning back time every night for 15 years wears a body down.
Well, I'm Kevin Prescott. I'm the new club manager.
What happened to sweet old Larry? He was always so warm and welcoming.
Oh, he gone.
- Too warm. - Too welcoming.
Hm. I've never heard of a Larry, but they hired me.
I answered an ad online.
And thank God. I was so done with nursing.
Cancer, I get it. [chuckles]
And as manager,
I'm worried about this underage person being in a place that sells liquor.
Oh, well, she stays backstage.
O-Okay, why does she stay backstage?
I'm doing a report this summer on drag in America.
I'm getting school credit.
Well, as long as it's for school, I guess it's okay. [chuckles]
Y'all be sure to do your tucks in the bathroom.
Well, here's something for your school report.
Louisville has the best drag queens in America,
and we don't need any help from a dilettante from New York City.
Great suggestion. Now, spell "dilettante" for her.
D-I-L-ettante.
[chuckles]
Is there a bathroom here that doesn't stick like his smelly butts?
What an unfortunate series of words in a sentence.
Follow me.
And if there's another coffee run, I'm in.
[door closes]
- ["Ruby Is Red Hot" ringtone playing] - Oh.
Excuse me, ladies. I have to step away.
♪ Nonstop, who's got what I got? ♪
Step all the way back to where you came from.
- Girl. - [laughs] Girl.
- Girrrrrl. - [all laugh]
Child, I can't even.
- I've got a real situation here. - [chuckles] Well, get in line.
I got a whole day of work left on this gown,
and that queen will be here any minute to pick it up.
Why are you so far behind?
You're not stoning stoned again, are you?
I did that once. Thirty times, tops.
And I'm behind because I spent all morning with Officer Patrick,
discussing your little runaway child situation.
Louis, listen.
Damien called me.
- [intercom buzzes] - [gasps] Damn!
The one drag queen who has ever been on time for anything.
Now, what do you mean, he called you? He ain't got no business calling you.
- I don't call him back, right? - [Louis scoffs]
Times like this, I wish I was deaf as well as blind.
How can you ask me that question?
I know. I just... I mean...
Do I need to know what he wanted?
I'll tell you what he wanted.
Your PIN number so he could continue to rob you.
[knocking on door]
[sighs] What she do? Teleport her ass up two flights?
- Hey... - [Louis] Girl, I need another day.
I'm currently stuck helping a dear older friend
put her sad, tattered life back together.
Thank you kindly for your patience.
Uh, I'm coming back for my dress, bitch!
Older and tattered?
Girl, I just needed to buy me some more time.
And for the record,
are you not older and is your life not tattered?
[Robert] It's not just the call.
Damien is still following us.
Oh, help me, Lord Jesus.
And it's not just him.
Lady Danger is with him.
[sighs] My mind is officially blown.
I need to call my boyfriend, Officer Patrick.
Maybe he knows a gay cop down there that can come talk to you.
What, you you think there's some sort of sisterhood of traveling cops?
All drag queens know each other. Could be the same for cops.
Were you two able to dig up any information on AJ's mother?
Not without a name.
My fiancé, Officer Patrick, says there's a whole new crew
of white girls hooked on heroin working the streets.
He says they can't afford opiates. And I said,
"I can't afford to spend any more of my love life talking about this.
So, get a damn name."
[clerk] It's a voucher, but it's not from this store...
I tried to explain it to her. Can you talk to her?
Sure, I'll talk to her.
[clerk] I'm sorry, sir, to keep you waiting.
They said you needed to see a manager.
Uh, yeah, I was... I was hoping you could help me.
[clears throat] My...
Can you speak up, ma'am? I'm having a hard time hearing you.
Sorry. Um... [clears throat]
- So, I lost my phone, and I need to... - Do you have a sore throat or something?
I'm feeling a little sick.
Then, can you please take a step back?
I can see you sweating.
[chuckles] You know, I have two kids and a full-time job.
I cannot get the flu or whatever you have.
No, I get it. Uh, I'm a mother too.
That's actually why I need a phone, is to get in touch with my daughter.
Fine. Look around. We have phones everywhere. Just pick one.
Yeah, well, the other person told me I needed to put down a $200 deposit.
Well, um...
well, because I actually already put down a $200 deposit.
Um, I signed up for the friends and family full-coverage plan.
[sighs] That's not from my store.
Well, aren't you all connected?
What is it that you need from me?
I need help.
Look, my baby's in foster care and she hasn't heard from me,
and without a phone, I have no way of getting in touch with her
to know if she needs anything.
I see.
Why is your baby in foster care?
What?
I'm asking, why is your child in foster care?
We got evicted.
They took your child away just because you got evicted.
No.
Please. I need to call my daughter. Please.
Here's some information on a new plan. The start-up rate is $200.
I don't have 200 extra bucks to spend on a phone.
- I'm saving everything I can. Just... - But when you do...
- Anyone else here can help you. - No, actually, no one here will help me.
That's all I've been asking you people for is just a little help, please.
Have a nice day.
No, you know what?
You have a nice day,
and I hope, when your kids are in trouble, that they can never get in touch with you.
Oh, see, now I can hear you.
["Chandelier" playing]
♪ Party girls don't get hurt ♪
♪ Can't feel anything When will I learn? ♪
- ♪ I push it down ♪ - [man] Here you go. Fifty.
♪ I push it down ♪
♪ I'm the one for a good time call ♪
♪ Phone's blowin' up They're ringin' my doorbell ♪
♪ I feel the love, feel the love ♪
- [song continues on radio] - ♪ One, two... ♪
And when Sia hits the high note, and I raise my arms,
you pull and lift me up,
- just like last year, handsome. - [stagehand] You got it.
♪ I'm gonna swing ♪
- [chuckles] Whoo-hoo! - ♪ From the chandelier ♪
- ♪ From the chandelier... ♪ - Me next!
Wow, that's so P! nk.
- Two years ago. [gasps] - [chuckles]
Ooh. Hey, hot stuff.
Afternoon.
Are you Ruby Red?
Guilty as charged.
Better let me down.
He's either a cop or one of the Village People.
AJ, cut it off.
[player clicks]
I'm Officer Peter Dembrowski, LMPD.
Officer Patrick Kennedy, NYPD, sent me.
- You have a situation? - Yes, I do. I do.
[sighs] Thanks for coming.
Uh... shall we have a seat and talk?
I mean, is that what we do in this situation?
Oh, yes, it is.
Hi. Can you give us some privacy?
Police business. You understand?
Oh, I understand all about his police business.
I've been watching that rough piece of trade here for months,
but I'm warning you that Peter is mine.
And when she's done with him, he's mine.
- And then you get him? - No.
I only like Asians.
'Sup? Can I hold your gun?
Do you have a license to carry a firearm?
No, but I used to have a T-shirt that said "Certified bikini inspector."
[chuckles]
I've never gotten out of a harness that fast.
It's good to know it's possible.
I see you've met AJ.
Well, I met whatever this is.
She's traveling with me.
Yeah, Pat gave me the 411.
So, how do you know Officer Patrick?
We hooked up a couple of times. Oh.
Sorry, not great language for a kid.
Her? She's 50.
Well, we met at a gay cop ski weekend.
Check it out.
[chuckles]
Guess there wasn't much snow that year.
- We were in the sauna. - You take your phone into the sauna?
- Well, yeah, don't you? - No.
Yeah, it started out as a hook-up, but, uh... [sighs]
Anyway... [clears throat]...Pat tells me you got someone chasing you. Why is that?
Because he fell for a stupid scam.
Now the guy's pissed he was turned in to the cops.
Yes, but there's a joint credit card felony,
and then showing up at my show in Columbus and sitting in the audience glaring at me
like he's gonna kill me.
Well, it's a joint credit card, so that's a dead end,
and, uh, I can't arrest someone for watching a show in Columbus.
We could be in danger.
Or we're definitely in danger.
We slashed his tires.
Well, slashing tires is a first-degree misdemeanor,
punishable by up to one year in jail.
- He could have me arrest you. - She did it.
Snitches get stitches.
[chuckles] All right. What kind of car is he driving?
It's an expensive red muscle car with two donut tires.
License plate?
Uh, I have no idea...
I should know that, right? [sighs]
Another thing I didn't pay attention to.
What's this?
His license plate.
Well... [clears throat] I'll run the plates and see what comes up.
How did you know that?
I see things.
In the meantime, maybe you should get the word out there.
Warn other queens so this doesn't happen to them too.
Cool.
I'll be back later to see your show.
- I love good drag. - Then don't come until 11:00.
'Cause that's when Ruby goes on.
Well, all right.
[AJ sighs] We should make an Insta story.
I'll hit play, and you can tell all the other queens
how Damien screwed you over.
The last thing I need is to be a poster child for a gay grifter.
What if I gave you... cat ears?
That's a no.
What about a French beret?
As much as I love a beret moment,
no.
I don't want every queen online knowing about this
and feeling sorry for me.
I'm not strong enough for that.
The cop said that we should warn other queens.
Since when do you listen to cops?
["Honeysuckle Rose" playing]
♪ Every honeybee... ♪
[line ringing]
- [voicemail] Leave a message. - [line beeps]
Hey, girl. It's Ruby.
I left you a couple of texts.
I'm here at the club next to you, per usual,
but no you, which is not per usual.
So... uh, okay, well, call me when you get this.
♪ When you're passing by... ♪
Well, just give me a call back when you get this message.
Let me know you're okay.
[phone beeps]
Where's my makeup case?
♪ Honeysuckle rose ♪
[sighs] So, what?
You think I was stealing your cop boyfriend,
so now you steal my makeup?
♪ Bye, sugar ♪
I know y'all like to get all cute up in here,
but a queen's makeup?
Her makeup?
No. No, ma'am. That's... uh-uh.
Tell you what,
I'm going to turn my back,
and whoever took my makeup, just put it back.
No harm, no foul.
♪ Your confection, goodness knows ♪
Anything?
Hm.
See, now is where I'd be taking off my hoops,
if I was wearing hoops.
Y'all picked the wrong week to pull this stunt, ladies.
'Cause I have zero point zero patience left
for people taking what's mine.
I guess I'm gon' have to fight fire with fire.
Yeah, bitch. I got your attention now.
You leave my makeup case out of this. She didn't do nothing to you.
I said, where is my makeup?
We didn't take your damn makeup.
What is this crazy bitch doing?
She's pulling a Michael Jackson with Blanket.
One last chance.
Where... is... [softly] my makeup?
We didn't take your damn makeup!
[chuckles]
♪ It's sweeter when you stir it up... ♪
[clatters]
Oh, yeah!
[all gasp]
♪ From your tasty lips ♪
Ruby, I put your makeup case in the office.
Didn't want to, uh, leave it lying around unattended.
♪ Honeysuckle rose ♪
♪ When you're passin' by ♪
I am going to replace every single item that was in there.
In fact...
I'll go out and replace it right now.
Yes, you are,
and, bitch, that was quality black-girl makeup,
so don't try to front me with no CoverGirl mall bullshit.
- Coming? - Better keep my eye on them.
They're definitely gonna find a way to F you up now.
And I never got my coffee.
And so, you say you have to start with beginning to love yourself.
- [woman] I think... - You hear a lot of that in the '80s.
And what does that mean?
[woman] It means to stop putting yourself down,
stop criticizing yourself,
stop mistreating yourself.
Begin to treat yourself as something that's very precious.
And when you begin to love who you are,
- then you can love your neighbor... - [cell phone vibrating]
...because you love yourself.
You see, I don't think we can really love our neighbor
till we do love ourselves.
[Oprah] Okay.
And is it love that heals, or is it that something that happens in...
The police are taping this call.
[Damien] Good.
Then they'll know how sorry I am.
[takes a deep breath] Why are you following me?
[Damien] I'm not anymore.
When I saw that look of fear in your eyes in Columbus, it brought me to my senses.
I never wanted to hurt you like this.
What do you mean you didn't mean to hurt me?
You took everything.
You maxed out my credit card,
so not only am I completely broke,
I owe $100,000.
It's a theft. Amex will cover it.
Not if I was stupid enough to give you access.
[Damien] Don't call yourself stupid.
I don't like that.
I want my money back.
The money's spent.
Spent?
It took my whole life to earn that.
How can it be gone in less than a week?
It goes.
Uh... uh, I owed some guys some money, and then...
rent, child support...
[Robert] Child support.
That's right, I forgot.
You're straight.
Could have fooled me.
What about your sidekick, the one-eyed Kardashian?
She must have a cut.
Gone. Used it to pay off her Birkin bag.
I bought your girlfriend a Birkin bag when I can't even afford Birkenstocks.
Girlfriend? [chuckles]
Girlfriend? Are you serious? Come on. Does she even seem like my type?
I guess not, since you're telling me she doesn't have any money.
I'm a bad guy.
And I really hurt you, didn't I?
Yes.
You killed me.
Give me a week, baby.
Maybe I can scrape together 10,000.
Ten thousand dollars from some other unsuspecting drag queen like me?
You're not like the others.
You're special to me, Robert.
And I know you feel that.
Or you would have hung up by now.
The only reason I'm still talking to you
is so that the police have time to trace the call.
No, they don't gotta trace it. I'll tell you where I am.
I'm heading back to New York to get that money for you.
I'm never seeing that money.
Just... go back to New York.
Leave me alone.
Give me a week, and call me and tell me where to meet you,
and I'll bring you your money.
- I don't believe a word you're saying. - [Damien] Give me a week.
[cell phone beeps]
- [Lady Danger] Whoo-hoo! - ["Black Velvet" playing]
[sighs, laughs]
Mm. Mm-mm!
[Lady Danger grunting]
[humming]
♪ Mississippi In the middle of a dry spell ♪
- [grunting softly] - ♪ Jimmy Rodgers ♪
♪ On the Victrola up high ♪
♪ Mama's dancin' With baby on her shoulder ♪
- [continues humming] - ♪ The sun is settin' ♪
♪ Like molasses in the sky ♪
♪ The boy could sing Knew how to move ev'rything ♪
- ♪ Always wanting more ♪ - [sighs, scoffs]
♪ He'd leave you longing for ♪
♪ Black velvet and that little boy smile ♪
♪ Black velvet... ♪
I saw you lookin' at me.
I was lookin' at you, too.
♪ That'll bring you to your knees ♪
♪ Black velvet, if you please... ♪
Stroke?
I can fix that.
Three hundred dollars.
♪ The music's like a heat wave ♪
- Yeah, I know this hurts like a bitch, - [groaning]
but when I'm done, you're gonna be like, "Wow!"
- [door opens] - Ow.
[whispering] What are you doing in here?
- Making some gas money. - [continues groaning]
I'm not gonna use my money to chase down that bitch.
How'd it go?
You were right.
He bought every word.
Ah. Now we just kill some time around here and wait.
[fly unzips]
Hold that tight.
The silicone's gonna wanna push its way back out.
And you look better already.
What stroke?
Wait, you talked to him?
Yes, AJ, and it's all over. End of story.
But what about the other queens?
Well, I'm sorry, AJ, I am not a victim hotline.
I'm a drag queen who's about to go on. Now, watch my phone.
[audience cheers]
[performer, imitating Cher] Well, thank you, everybody.
- Wait, wait. - [performer] It was a very nice day today.
- Forgot your gloves. - [Robert] Thank you.
Now, go.
[performer] Oh!
Thank you. Welcome back to act two.
Very excited we're gonna bring out Miss Ruby Red.
She's a real gypsy, tramp, and thief. [chuckles] Minus the gypsy.
[laughs] Look at this man over here.
Is she supposed to be Cher?
[performer] Not sure what he got himself into,
wishing he could turn back time
and choose not to come into a gay drag club.
- Oh! - [audience laughs]
[performer] Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna welcome to the stage
the one, the only Ruby Red.
["Chandelier" playing]
♪ Party girls don't get hurt ♪
♪ Can't feel anything When will I learn? ♪
♪ I push it down, push it down ♪
♪ I'm the one for a good time call ♪
♪ Phone's blowin' up They're ringin' my doorbell ♪
♪ I feel the love ♪
♪ Feel the love ♪
♪ One, two, three One, two, three, drink ♪
♪ Throw 'em back till I lose count ♪
- ♪ I'm... ♪ - [gasps]
Holy shit!
- [screams] - ♪ Gonna swing ♪
- [audience clamoring] - [Ruby] What's happening?
Oh! What the hell, Kevin?
[all laughing]
Hey, where's the big gay guy?
Oh, he left 'cause we paid him to.
[group continues laughing]
You shady bitches!
It's slipping. She's slipping!
Whoa! What?
- [AJ] Hold on! - [both grunt]
[Ruby] Hey, no!
Wait, y'all hold up! Hold up! Kevin!
Best $500 I ever spent,
- aside from my butt implants. - [Ruby] Are you serious?
[group continues laughing]
- [Ruby] Quick! Help! - [Kevin] It's slipping. She's slipping!
- [audience gasps] - [thuds]
[audience murmurs]
[group continues laughing]
[both panting]
♪ One, two, three One, two, three, drink... ♪
- [audience cheers] - ♪ One, two, three, drink ♪
♪ One, two, three One, two, three, drink ♪
♪ Throw 'em back till I lose count ♪
♪ I'm gonna swing ♪
♪ From the chandelier ♪
♪ I'm gonna live ♪
- ♪ Like tomorrow doesn't exist ♪ - [AJ and Ruby cheer]
♪ Like it doesn't exist... ♪
And that, ladies, is why I'm the headliner.
Now, I'm gonna need an apology and a Vicodin for my shoulder.
And as for that makeup I bought you, it was bottom shelf, bitch.
[laughs]
- I just peeled off the clearance stickers. - Oh, yeah.
Enjoy the pink eye while you're giving stink eye.
Ah. Now, excuse me, ladies. I gots to go get my money. Oh!
Shit, I think my eye's starting to itch.
[audience cheering]
Thank you.
♪ Keep my glass full until morning light ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight ♪
Well, the butts are done.
Now you get your little butt out of there.
[grunts]
- [dryer beeps] - [AJ] That was so cool last night
when you were telling off those mean queens.
"I peeled the cheap sticker off. In your face, sucker!"
[laughs]
Well, that was... [grunts]...a win-win.
A bargain that turned into a burn.
Not that I'm advocating you switch stickers in stores.
Um, too late. My mom and I, we changed price tags at Goodwill.
One time, we bought her a ten-dollar top for two bucks.
- Two bucks? - Mm-hmm.
She must have been pretty happy about that.
Oh, yeah. [chuckles] We ran home laughing,
and she was like, "Amber Jasmine, let's not make this..."
Why'd you stop?
I'm not telling you any more about her.
You know, AJ, you chime in about everything in my life,
but you refuse to let me in when it comes to yours.
Works for me.
Okay, enough's enough.
What's your mother's name?
I would tell you, but...
- I forgot it. - AJ.
I did!
Kind of like how she forgot about me every single night, coming home high.
Shit!
This thing's bumpy.
Should have took the shoe.
[cell phone chimes]
Man, that thing was a bust.
All it did was rock back and forth, like, ten times.
[softly] Did you do this?
You did? [tearfully] You did this.
The cop helped me.
Wait for me!
- [message notification tone playing] - [AJ sighs]
You didn't wait for me.
My phone is blowing up with texts from every queen in existence,
all feeling sorry for me. [takes a deep breath]
Well,
[imitating Ruby] at least these butt pads are smellin' fabulous, girl.
This isn't a damn joke.
This is my life.
You can't just put cat ears on it.
I told you I wasn't strong enough to handle this, but you...
you did it anyway.
[in normal voice] You are strong enough.
You stood up to those shady queens at the club.
That wasn't me, that was Ruby.
You are Ruby.
No.
I'm Robert.
You think if Robert was strong enough there'd even be a need for Ruby?
[sighs] Ruby saved Robert.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, it's a little too late for that now.
All I had was my dignity, and you just...
took that away from me.
Brianna Douglas.
That's my mother's name.
- ["Ruby Is Red Hot" playing on phone] - ♪ Ruby is red hot ♪
[voice shaking] Brian, hi. I've been textin' and callin' you.
Are you all right?
[Brian] No, I'm not all right.
Girl, he grifted me too.
I think your roulade looks pretty sad.
[Prue Leith] It's flat.
[woman] Yeah.
Okay, so, girl, I don't have a lot of time. Got a show tonight.
I know. I'm stalling.
I just don't know how to talk about this.
I haven't been off this couch in months.
Let's not exaggerate.[chuckles]
Girl, you've been off this couch.
No, I haven't.
- No shopping? - No.
- No movies? - No.
- No filler? - Girl, come on.
Let's just jump in.
- Where did you meet him? - It was on a gig in NYC. [sighs]
[TV clicks off]
It was about a year ago. Juan came up to me after a show.
Juan? He has yet another name?
And it's an obvious Hispanic cliché.
He uses five different aliases.
At least, that's what the private investigator told me.
- Oh, you hired a private investigator? - Cost a fortune.
I had to sell my custom framed autographed Cher debut album on Etsy.
I am so sorry, girl.
I had no choice.
Juan took everything.
Well...
not everything.
So, what?
She a bitch?
Yes.
Now, just go on. So what else did the investigator say?
[sighs] He said there were other girls too.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I'm just not strong enough to do this. [cries softly]
[on TV] Right, bakers, time for your technical challenge.
I think Ruby needs to save Brian too.
[sighs, moans]
Okay.
Get up.
- [Sandy Toksvig] Prue, any top tips? - [Robert] TV off.
Get up. Up, up, up, up, up! We have a show to do. No more cryin'.
Gotta move forward.
Just let me lay here.
Brian.
WWCD?
What Would Cher Do?
["The Beat Goes On" playing]
Would she be all sad up in here, laying on the couch?
No, she would not.
Did she lay on the couch after her marriage ended
and The Sonny & Cher Show was canceled?
No, she did not.
She went on to do the Cher show, and it was a sensation.
Did she lay on the couch after that first screening of Silkwood,
when people laughed at her name on the screen?
No, she did not.
She went on to win the damn Oscar for Moonstruck.
- Mm-hmm. - [Robert] Did she lay on the couch
after she saw Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again?
No, she did not.
She counted her coin, and released a kick-ass ABBA cover album.
So I ask you, Brian,
what would Cher do?
I'll tell you what she would do.
She would say, [imitating Cher] "Snap out of it."
[sighs] I'm sorry, girl. Just not strong enough.
Okay.
So I guess you don't care those three queens are back at the club
taking turns doin' your act.
Give me 20 minutes.
- [laughs] - Girl, we got played.
Played more than a guitar in a college dorm room.
[laughs] We got taken to the cleaners by Mr. George Jefferson himself.
Well, misery loves company, girl.
Well, you can call me Kathy Bates.
[both laugh]
[Ruby] Mm!
But...
at least that man was fine, henny.
[Brian] Yes, he was.
So fine. Whoo.
[both laugh]
And those kisses...
Mm-mm-mm! I hate to admit it, but worth every penny. [chuckles]
Here's to those hundred-thousand-dollar lips.
[sniffles]
He kissed you? On the lips?
He would never kiss me.
Said he had a thing about kissing.
Said he never kissed anyone.
And you're telling me...
he kissed you?
You're on, girl.
You're broke, girl. [laughs]
Ooh, my.
- ["Waterloo" playing] - [crowd cheering]
♪ My, my! At Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
♪ And I have met my destiny In quite a similar way ♪
♪ The history book on the shelf ♪
♪ Is always repeating itself ♪
♪ Waterloo I was defeated, you won the war ♪
[song echoing]
- [heart thumping] - ♪ Waterloo, promise to love you ♪
♪ Forever more ♪
[thumping grows louder]
[Ruby] Brian!
Brian!
♪ Waterloo ♪
♪ Couldn't escape if I wanted to ♪
♪ Waterloo Knowing my fate is to be with you ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Waterloo Finally facing my Waterloo ♪
[crowd cheering]
♪ So how could I ever refuse? I feel like I win when I lose ♪
♪ Waterloo Couldn't escape if I wanted to ♪
[silently mouthing]
♪ Waterloo ♪
- Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! - ♪ Knowing my fate is to be with you ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
- ♪ Waterloo ♪ - Yeah! I got game.
I got game. I got game.
You know it. You know it. You know it, know it, know it! [grunts]
♪ My, my! ♪
- [line ringing] - ♪ I tried to hold you back ♪
♪ But you were stronger ♪
- [cell phone vibrating] - ♪ Whoa, yeah! ♪
♪ And now it seems ♪
♪ My only chance Is giving up the fight ♪
♪ And how could I ever refuse? I feel like I win when I lose ♪
♪ Waterloo I was defeated, you won the war ♪
♪ Waterloo Promise to love you forevermore ♪
[cell phone continues vibrating]
♪ Waterloo Couldn't escape if I wanted to ♪
♪ Waterloo Knowing my fate is to be with you ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Waterloo, finally facing my Waterloo ♪
♪ So how could I ever refuse? ♪
♪ I feel like I win when I lose ♪
♪ Waterloo Couldn't escape if I wanted to ♪
♪ Waterloo Knowing my fate is to be with you ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Waterloo, finally facing my Waterloo ♪
♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Waterloo Knowing my fate is to be with you ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Waterloo, finally facing my Waterloo ♪
[dance music playing in distance]
[sighs]
[cell phone clicks]
[line ringing]
- [line clicks] - [Louis] Oh, hey, girl.
I was afraid to call you.
Well, you should be 'cause it's 4:30 in the morning.
- Did I wake you? - [Louis] No.
I'm just up finishing this damn dress.
Feels like it's just about done. [chuckles]
Hey.
Is there any way...
I could have been special?
To Damien, I mean.
How many cocktails have you had? [scoffs]
[Robert] Enough to wanna hear the truth.
Tell me the truth.
[takes a deep breath] Is there any way...
that, in spite of all the bad he did,
that he thought I was special?
[takes a deep breath] No way in hell, girl.
[slurring] Let me ask one more time.
- Any way? - Sorry, but no. [chuckles]
Now put that thought and yourself to bed.
Louis.
Damien was my Waterloo.
[Louis] Girl, you drunk.
- [sighs] Good night. - [phone beeps]
- [line ringing] - [Lady Danger] Try her again.
- [automated voice] You have reached... - Voicemail.
Cold feet. Call back.
- Shit, shit! What is this? - [police siren chirping]
Be cool.
Kiss me.
Kiss me. What else are we doing sitting here in a deserted parking lot?
[indistinct police radio chatter]
Shit.
[Lady Danger moans softly]
[window squeaks]
[officer] Down.
- Evening. - [chuckles softly]
You wanna tell me what y'all are doing parked here?
Oh, you know, Officer. Getting a little somethin' somethin'.
I see you got New York plates.
Yes, ma'am.
All the way down from New York to Kentucky...
by way of Columbus.
A fellow officer warned me that there was a car with donut tires,
and that that car had been causing a lot of trouble down here in Kentucky.
Now, I wonder what's gonna happen when I run these plates.
Oh. [chuckles] My lips are so chapped from all that kissing.
Um, do you mind if I get some ChapStick?
Keep your hands where I can see 'em.
It's right here, Officer.
Let's see.
Where is that ChapStick? Hmm.
That's a lot of cash.
Want some?
Sure would make it a lot easier on us for not to have to do so much paperwork.
Is that a Birkin bag?
You know, my lady's been wanting one of those.
[car engine starts]
[siren chirps]
Well, at least she didn't take us in.
I've wanted that purse my whole life.
That's it. Done.
I'm not spendin' any more of my life chasing after this queen.
I agree. Waste of time.
We should just kill her.
I'm not killin' someone because you lost a purse.
I hear you.
But you might change your mind
once you see this.
["Waterloo" playing]
Change your mind yet?
[grunts]
I'll take that as a yes.
♪ I feel like I win when I lose ♪
♪ Waterloo, I was defeated You won the war... ♪
[AJ] Like I said, I see things.
- ♪ Promise to love you forevermore ♪ - [AJ] But some people are blind.
["Ruby Is Red Hot" playing] ♪ Ruby is red hot ♪
♪ Hot fire nonstop ♪
♪ Who got what I got? ♪
♪ Nobody, nobody ♪
♪ Ruby is red hot ♪
♪ Hot fire nonstop ♪
♪ Who got what I got? ♪
♪ Ruby is red hot ♪
♪ Hot fire nonstop ♪
♪ Who got what I got? ♪
♪ Nobody, nobody ♪
♪ Ruby is red hot ♪
♪ Hot fire nonstop ♪
♪ Who got what I got? ♪
♪ Nobody, nobody ♪
[twinkling chimes]